


First, a Dream

by Mareel



Series: Alone [5]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Dreams, Drinking to Cope, Explicit Sexual Content, Insomnia, Isolation, Letters, Loneliness, M/M, Mass Effect 2, Memories, Post-Horizon (Mass Effect), Pre-Relationship, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-24 08:42:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8365609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mareel/pseuds/Mareel
Summary: Dreams need hope to take root. After Horizon, hope was in pretty damn short supply..





	

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place in Shepard's cabin on the _Normandy SR-2_ during Mass Effect 2, beginning on the night after the mission to Horizon. It continues several days later after Shepard receives a letter from Kaidan apologizing and trying to explain his reactions upon seeing Shepard there alive. (see [The Wall](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4435901))
> 
> Written for the Mass Effect Flash Fanworks prompt: Secrets
> 
>   
> _Nothing happens... but first a dream_ –  Carl Sandberg  
> 

 

There are some things you know you’ll never tell anyone about. Private thoughts, embarrassing dreams, the times your body stubbornly contradicts your thoughts. At least your conscious thoughts… The days and weeks after our mission on Horizon produced a lot of such things...

_________________________

 

The damn whiskey isn't working.

Any other night, I'd be passed out with my head on the desk by now, unless I'd somehow had the foresight to take my glass and the bottle over to the nightstand so I would collapse on the bed at least.

Tonight? When I need the escape the most? Nothing. Stone cold sober. 

Well maybe not quite. I've had enough get me past anger into remorse. Wanting to do it over... and over again until I get it right. Until we get it right...

I was stuck in the anger – angry at Kaidan and furious at myself for letting things escalate and end as they did – so getting past that was a relief. 

It started well enough, despite my surprise at seeing him there at Horizon. Obviously a mutual surprise. He looked the same – the jet black hair, the remarkable eyebrows that draw your attention to the whiskey brown eyes, the same tiny twitch of his lips that hints at a smile... 

But there were differences too. There was a reserve in his bearing, a holding back, an aura of tight self-control that I'd seen when I first knew him. We'd gotten beyond that as we fought together and talked together… trusted one another.... become friends. But I could feel it when what should have been a happy reunion hug became a handshake – though one that lasted a little too long to be _just_ a handshake. 

I wanted to hug him. My alcohol-inspired mind plays out what might have been the scenario if that greeting had been different. If he'd had a chance, would he have whispered, _'I missed you, Shepard'_ before launching into ' _we thought you were dead'_ ? I would have replied, _'I'm so sorry, Kaidan..._ ' Would the rest of of our conversation have gone differently? So many ways it could have played out...nearly all of them with a better outcome than what really happened. I don't know...

I think Kaidan had the advantage going in, having had two years to try to come to terms with the loss of the _Normandy_ … and with my death. And I’d invalidated all mourning and trying to move on by showing up alive. I get it. But that just meant to me that we needed to talk about it - fill each other in on what had been happening on both sides. But that would lead into the whole issue of Alliance vs Cerberus, and my appearing to work for them would be a hard line that he wouldn’t cross. 

Somewhere in the middle of trying to tease out alternatives to the actual events, I must have fallen asleep. Because i suddenly startle awake – head aching, mouth dry… and eyes wet...

____________________________________________________________

 

After Horizon, several quick unmemorable missions followed one after the other, leaving me too much time at night when I couldn’t keep from replaying the events and outcome of that mission. I have dossiers on additional crew members from the Illusive Man, but I’ll admit to stalling on those to do other missions for Hackett. 

That Cerberus bastard’s comments to me about how he hoped I was ready to forget old loyalties were beyond infuriating, and his admission that the whole thing at Horizon was something he set up to force the confrontation with Kaidan… What the hell does he know or care about my relationship with my former Lieutenant that was important enough to merit the setup? To merit putting the Horizon colonists in danger? To putting _Kaiden_ in danger? In the first place, my relationships are none of his fucking business. And if he thinks any of this would help cement my loyalty to Cerberus, he’s dead wrong. Pretty much the exact opposite. 

But as I told Kaidan, Cerberus seems to be the only way to go after the Çollectors… I got a letter from a surviving colonist that hurt to read. Kaidan had given her my contact information and she begged me to please stop those invasions. Their losses were so high. But I hate to think about how much higher the losses will be if we _don’t_ manage to stop them… and as she said in the letter, the Alliance isn’t helping… _No one_ is helping. 

My thoughts always come back to my talk with Kaidan… and how I could maybe have gotten him to understand. Remembering to take the bottle of scotch with me to the bedside table, I prop myself up on a pillow and ignore my data pads while my mind returns to Horizon…

In this version, when Kaidan begins to accuse me of everything he was accusing me of – joining Cerberus, abandoning the Alliance... abandoning _him_ – I keep my head together enough to suggest that we take this somewhere more private, rather than continuing the discussion in front of my crew. He hesitates, shoulders stiffening as if to refuse, but I add _‘Please Kaidan?_ ’ in a softer voice, and he relaxes enough to nod his head toward the deserted building behind us. 

The conversation doesn't go much better. I try to explain that I had no choice about my body being somehow retrieved and rebuilt... and when I learned about the Illusive Man's desire to go after the Collectors, I had to consider my few options. I don't know if he would have let me leave if I’d refused, but even if he did, I would be constantly watching my back. Anyone I met could be a Cerberus operative sent to kill me or to bring me back. And the Alliance doesn't want to acknowledge the Collectors... 

Kaidan interrupts me, vehemently arguing that _'You could have convinced them! Anderson supported you, but you didn't try. You abandoned the Alliance... you abandoned me…’_

Something snaps and in the next moment I've moved to pin him against the wall. I don't know what I meant by it... maybe forcing him to listen? But he beats me to the question, asking _‘What do you want from me, Shepard?’_ in a dangerously low voice. 

I don’t know what I'm thinking or doing, but in answer I kiss him... not gently. It was a rough kiss, fueled by anger and god know what else. He should have pushed me away, knocked me on my ass with his biotics... but he didn't. His mouth softens and his arms slip around me and for a moment he is returning the kiss. I don't know where it was going…

Suddenly Garrus is calling my name from the doorway, worried about whether I was okay. I reply, _‘Be right there, Garrus._ ' When I look at Kaidan, his arms are held stiffly at his sides and the mask is back in place. 

I'm startled from whatever stage of sleep I’ve fallen into by an urgent need to pee. And an unexpected hindrance to doing so... Why the hell am I hard?

____________________________________________________________

 

I guess it's not as late as I thought. Still hours until the start of alpha shift. 

After a much-needed shower, I pull on black sweatpants and a hoodie I’d picked up on my last trip to the Citadel. I’d been itching to get out of anything bearing the damn Cerberus logo. These have the red and white stripes of my old N7 gear, but the logo is badly skewed… a cheap knock-off. It will do… suits me better than those skin-tight Cerberus pajamas passing as fatigue uniforms. 

Actually I think this might be the first time I’ve had my boots off when I lie down on the bed in quite awhile… since Horizon maybe. I don’t expect to sleep – the cold shower woke me up pretty completely, but I find myself drifting a little as I try to read through a stack of accumulated reports. I’m reminded of the many late nights spent in the the mess hall on the _Normandy SR-1_ with a similar stack of reports… usually over a cup of tea with Kaidan. Sometimes we talked, but the shared silence was just as comfortable. It was a peaceful time and became my preferred means of postponing the nightmares that came with sleep. I’m realizing now how much I miss that… and miss him. 

When I do fall asleep, I’m back at Horizon… it feels like the same dream that woke me so abruptly earlier tonight. I’m back in that empty building with Kaidan… replaying that angry kiss. But this time I wrap my arms around his neck as I feel his arms circle my waist, and the kiss deepens, uninterrupted. My anger fades as his shoulders relax and we cling to one another for a long moment. When I finally pull back from the kiss, the amber eyes that meet mine are wet and Kaidan’s voice has lost its hard edge. 

"I don’t know what to think. You were _dead_ , Shepard... we thought. I grieved for you… you know? It wasn’t easy to leave you behind and try to get on with my life. Now you're back. And with Cerberus. You didn't try to contact me? Didn't I mean enough to you at least to do that?” He drops his arms back down to his sides and I suddenly feel alone again. 

I reach for his hands, holding them as I try to answer his charges. “I _did_ try, Kaidan. The first chance I had! Anderson stonewalled me. Said you were off on special assignment and he couldn’t tell me any more about it because of the Cerberus connection. He never told you I asked about you?”

Kaidan shakes his head. “No, nothing. I heard rumors, you know? Then you show up here… in accord with what we’d been hearing. What the hell was I supposed to think?” 

The rest of the conversation plays out – substantially the same as it actually happened, except with less anger and more regrets. I knew he’d never work with Cerberus just as I know right now that playing along with them is the only way to stop the Collectors. As he turns to go, he stops to wrap his arms around me for one last hug. His voice is nearly a whisper. “Be careful, Shepard.” I catch his eyes and nod, not trusting my voice.

I wake with my eyes wet. That would have been the best possible outcome, but it still feels like goodbye.

____________________________________________________________

 

He wanted to tell me that he was sorry.

I read Kaidan’s message again – for the third or fourth time, I guess. I don’t know how he got it through to me, or who all had to approve it reaching me at all, but I don’t care. If the fucking Illusive Man himself wants to know that my bridges aren’t so easily burned as he would wish, so be it. That Kaidan braved all of them – Alliance and Cerberus alike – to send me a letter apologizing for his words and behavior on Horizon… it means everything to me. 

I don’t know just how to reply, but I’ll find a way… Spectre codes maybe. I want him to know I’m just as sorry for my part in it all and want to move past it. And that his friendship means so much to me. Knowing that it’s not shattered gives me a new resolve to finish this goddamn mission and get back to the Alliance - back to Kaidan.

Insomnia and nightmares have haunted me, even before the attack on the first _Normandy_. Started after Eden Prime... that damn beacon, I guess. Since Horizon, it’s been insomnia. Or maybe I’m just afraid to face the nightmares. I don’t know… But I’m surprised to find myself on the edge of sleep now. It might be the whiskey or the exhaustion or the relief that I haven't lost Kaidan's friendship forever... maybe all of those things. 

My eyes drift shut on that thought, only to open again far too soon… just a short nap, I guess. That is, until I feel the warm solid weight of someone else in the bed, spooned up behind me, an arm wrapped around my waist, protectively.

After a few moments of confusion about where I am, I realize this is my own bed in the loft on the _SR-2_. The gentle blue glow and the background bubbling of the aquarium confirm it. Rolling onto my other side, I try not to wake the man holding me. I needn’t have worried; he only sighs softly before settling back into sleep, lying on his back now. 

In the dim light I can see the dark hair, disheveled, still damp with sweat... and I remember how it felt to thread my fingers through it. I want to do it again, want to gently push one wavy lock back from his forehead, but I hate to disturb Kaidan's sleep... always a precious thing. Especially sleep with the curve of a smile on his lips.

I study his face instead - relaxed and free of worry lines, his mouth still a little swollen from the intensity of kisses… the planes of his cheekbones… the fringe of black eyelashes hinting at the smokey eyes behind closed lids. Eyes the color of aged whiskey that, locked with mine, had seemed to see into my soul as he’d found his release deep within my body… not very long ago, apparently. 

In place of fingertips, my eyes slowly trace the curve of his neck to his strong shoulders and chest... and drift lower. At the end of a trail of dark hair, the sight of him, softened in sleep, sends a jolt of arousal through my own body. 

With it came the clear memory of our earlier encounter. When Kaidan had kissed his way down my neck and body before wrapping a hand around my length and stroking gently… teasing before closing his lips around the head, licking and sucking until all I could do was moan and shudder aa he took me in, craving _more_ even as he finally pulled back to meet my eyes.

Kaidan had whispered, _‘How do you want me?_ ’ I couldn’t tell him no one had ever asked me that. Things had always just kind of happened with other partners and I usually took the lead. It felt so erotic, almost wanton, to put my need into words, which came slowly but with certainty – drawn from somewhere deep within.

“Want to feel you... in me… please, Kaidan…”

He had nodded, smiling, and crawled back up my body to kiss me – the kiss deepening into moans from us both – before getting onto his knees and reaching for a small bottle on the bedside table. 

Before opening it, he untangled our legs from the sheets and put his hands on the inside of my thighs. Every hair stood up at the caress. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the shiver and the spark that seemed to radiate through my whole body as those hands gently coaxed my legs further apart, open to him. 

After making sure I was well-prepared, he turned his attention to his own erection. He was well past the early stages of arousal, and I watched – rapt – as he took himself in hand and coaxed his foreskin to retract completely, baring the already wet tip to his slick fingers. A few strokes and he was ready. He caught my eyes, his voice husky and burnished as he asked, _“Like what you see?”_

The obvious reply was swallowed in my gasp as he pressed against me and pushed inside. Thicker than I’d expected, he filled me completely in a way I’d never imagined. Waiting for me to signal him that i was ready for him to move, he made sure my own erection wasn’t neglected… the residual lube on his fingers reminding me of the wet heat of his mouth on me earlier. I managed a whisper. “ _Mov_ e, Kaidan… don’t hold back. Need to feel you.”

His hand covered mine as he got close to the edge, matching the increasingly erratic rhythm of his thrusts. Not long after I felt him shudder his release deep inside me, I followed, the intensity of the pulses leaving me trembling.

When I could say anything at all, I begged him not to pull out right away… to prolong that feeling of being one body for just a little longer. He had kissed me with a tired tenderness and collapsed, head pillowed on my chest. I barely remember him finally slipping out and gently cleaning us both. 

Kaidan had murmured, “ _Sleep now… let me hold you…_ ” And we ended in the spooned position I’d awakened in, lightly covered by the bedsheet, but wrapped in his warmth. 

I know that I could wake him with a touch… would feel him harden beneath my hand as his eyes opened to meet mine, golden lights flecking dark amber. As I rest my hand on the smooth skin of his hip, I feel my own arousal stirring to life and I begin to kiss him awake. 

My body chooses that moment to wake me, for real this time... with a painfully hard erection. I toss my head from side to side on the pillow, trying to clear it, the images lingering. But I’m alone in my cabin, lying atop the covers of my bed... Kaidan's message still on the terminal. 

Scrubbing a hand across my eyes, I try to bring myself back to the present – without losing the dream images. Those are ones I want very much to remember. Not that I’ve never thought about Kaidan from time to time, but it had always been a conscious fantasy, imagining how it might feel to be with him, to feel his touch instead of my own hand touching myself – as I’m doing now. WIth Kaidan’s scent lingering in my memory, with the image of seeing him stroking himself – no cold shower this time. 

This dream was different, one where I _knew_ his touch, had felt his hardness pressing against my body, and it had felt so right... It seemed like we were both exactly where we wanted to be... and not for the first time. There was an ease about being together, a deep trust between us. 

Unlike my other fantasies - and my real-life encounters with the partners I’ve had – this had been out of my conscious control. And the decisions my subconscious made took me in directions I’d never explored. 

Most striking was that I’ve never opened to anyone, never given up that last bit of control… never trusted anyone enough to want that. A few early experiments with toys on my own - just to see what it felt like to be penetrated – weren’t satisfying enough to push me in that direction. Yet having Kaidan inside me was what I ached for when he asked me how I wanted him. 

It’s hard to explain to myself how I could feel so certain of the details in this dream, I’ve appreciated Kaidan’s body as much as I appreciate the rest of him, but I thought it had been from a discreet distance. 

I might have stolen an extra moment or two to admire the view when he was bent over to work on his console outside my cabin. Those uniform pants didn’t leave much to the imagination in that situation. But I don’t think I’ve ever stared or tried to catch a covert glimpse of him in the crew shower room or when kitting up next to him in the armory on the _SR-1_. We were sometimes naked there, side by side as we stripped off our hard suits and sweaty under-armor, but I never felt self-conscious about it, and he never seemed to be either. It’s just what we did. 

As did everyone else on the crew. But, for example, I have no idea whether or not any other man on the crew was cut or intact. It just never registered, but somehow it did with Kaidan and my subconscious served up all those details to me in the dream. 

But it's still only a fantasy. There's nothing in Kaidan's letter that should have prompted something like it – Shepard had been his friend and Kaidan had written to his friend saying that he hoped to be able to get back to that one day. No hint of any of _this_ … But what it does convey, in and between its lines, is hope. A hope I haven’t felt since even before Horizon… maybe not since I woke up alive. 

It all felt so real when I was in the dream. After my first disorientation had passed, it never even felt like a dream to me. Only one thing gave me a moment’s pause, and that quickly faded into the afterglow. But now that I'm awake, it stands out as something I _know_ I’ve never heard from Kaidan.

At the moment Kaidan found his release, the name he had cried out wasn’t ‘Shepard’. 

It was _John_ …

_________________________

 

There are some things you know you’ll never tell anyone about. Unless maybe, as Kaidan wrote – _maybe one day… I don’t know...._

 


End file.
